


The Heart Will Break, But Broken Live On

by Rivermoon1970



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV), NCIS
Genre: Anxiety, Bittersweet Ending, Depression, Domestic Violence, Lovers to Friends, M/M, Medical Trauma, Mental and emotional abuse, Moving On
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-16
Updated: 2018-06-16
Packaged: 2019-05-24 01:24:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 19,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14944982
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rivermoon1970/pseuds/Rivermoon1970
Summary: Aaron made a decision that would forever impact not only his own life, but the lives of people that he loved, and it wasn't for the better. Running away to Hong Kong with Beth had been the worst decision of his life, and the healing would be hard, but Aaron knew he had to do the work to heal to be able to move on.





	The Heart Will Break, But Broken Live On

**Author's Note:**

> The title is a Lord Byron quote.

Aaron woke up slowly and tried to remember where he was. Everything from the last few days was a blur. He didn’t want to think about the mess his life had become as he tried to pull himself from the familiar feeling of anesthesia. He hated that feeling, especially since every time he felt it, something bad had happened. His memories were slowly returning and Aaron wished he could just go back to sleep and forget. 

“I really think you need to wake up now Aaron.”

Aaron frowned and slowly turned his head to see someone he had not seen in almost two years. Someone he had deeply hurt and thought he had lost forever. Aaron didn’t want to think about all of the mistakes he has made since the ghost of Foyet had reared its ugly head and hurt Aaron once more. Closing his eyes his hands moved to his stomach, the scars on his abdomen were worse than they had been when he was first attacked. The surgery to repair the tears and clean out the scar tissue had been unexpected, and it had left him shaken and uncertain. He made so many bad decisions that he wasn’t sure if he could ever repair his life.

“Aaron, you need to wake-up. I know you’re hurting, but you’ve been asleep too long.”

“Spencer, what are you doing here?” Aaron’s voice cracked as he tried to speak. Fumbling for the bed remote, Aaron was able to sit up some and he almost cried when he looked at Spencer Reid, one time colleague and part-time lover. Spencer looked just as beautiful as he always did, and it broke something even more deep inside Aaron. Something he knew might never be fixed.

“Well, I’m still listed as your emergency contact.”

“You...you came all the way to Hong Kong?” Aaron furrowed his brows, and a part of him wanted to touch, to make sure this was real and not one of the dreams he had been having. He felt so fragile and broken, he wasn’t sure what would happen if he was allowed a simple touch.

“I would have if I wasn’t here already for a case. You may be a stupid bastard, but through everything, Aaron, I have always been your friend. I may not like you right now, but my conscience wouldn’t let me not come. I’ve already talked to the police after I went to your house. They have Beth in custody and are willing to extradite her, even though the crime was here.”

Aaron slowly let go of the breath he was holding and looked away from Spencer. It hurt so much to know that he once had everything in the man sitting there next to his bed and he threw it all away because of fear and anger. 

“I want to go home.” Aaron said as he shed silent tears knowing his life was once again going to change and not necessarily for the better.

“Your house is currently a crime scene Aaron. And I don’t think the doctors are going to release you right away. Not with your leg in that cast.”

Aaron swallowed hard as he looked down at the full leg cast that was being held up by wires and a leg sling just off the bed. He gripped the bed under him and remembered everything about that horrible day. Being woken up in excruciating pain, Beth looking down at him with a smile that he had once found attractive, but now it was twisted and ugly. They had a fight about how much time he spent running on the weekends. The next couple of days were almost like a scene out of the Stephen King classic,  _ Misery _ . But, unlike Paul Sheldon, Aaron had been able to call for help and this was no fantasy that would magically work itself out.

Beth had come back home after leaving for some kind of errand she claimed to have need to do to find him just hanging up. Beth walked into the bedroom carrying a gun. At that point Aaron assumed he was dead. Waking up in the hospital was a surprise even to him.

“I don’t want anything to do with that house. I want to go  _ home _ .” He was looking to the side still, but tried to emphasize that he wanted out of Hong Kong and never wanted to come back. He knew he should never have come in the first place, but he had felt so lost after the surgery that holding onto Beth had seemed like a good idea at the time.

“It’s going to be awhile before you are cleared to fly.”

“Don’t worry about me, Spencer. Please just go home.” 

“Nope. Not going to happen. Because if I leave I know exactly what’s going to happen. You are going to retreat even worse than you did after Foyet. I can already tell the state of mind you’re in and no matter what’s in the past between us, you are still my friend.”

Aaron didn’t know what to say. This Spencer that was there was different than the person he had fled from. Aaron knew the moment he was on his honeymoon flying to Hong Kong that he had made a mistake. A very big mistake, but he had been determined to try to make it work. The fact that Jack didn’t want to go and stayed with Jessica should have been the clue that not everything was okay. 

Aaron finally looked back towards Spencer and let his eyes wander. When he noticed the ring on his left hand it was yet another dagger in Aaron’s heart.

“I think you have better things to do than be here with me. Whoever they are, I hope you found what it was you needed.” Aaron pulled on that once stoic mask he used like armor. The armor was cracked and broken and Aaron knew it was going to be a very long time for it to heal. The ring on Spencer’s finger told Aaron the final truth of his situation. He was truly alone. 

“He’s wonderful. I met him a few months after a case took us to Italy. He is an American who was living abroad, making a living on his artwork. He makes the most amazing ceramics and sculptures. He had gotten caught-up in the case we were working and followed me home about a month after the case was closed. We dated for almost sixteen months before he asked me to marry him. Two months ago was the wedding.” Spencer smiled softly as he played with the ring and Aaron wanted Spencer to leave, he wanted to be alone, to fall apart with no one around to see.

“I ah...I’m happy for you. If you don’t mind I’d really like to be alone now.” Aaron stared straight ahead not wanting to look at the man sitting there next to him. He could admit that it hurt and that he was insanely jealous, but he also knew he brought this on himself. While he lay there, battered, broken, and mentally and physically bruised, something Spencer said penetrated his awareness.

“Wait you said a case in Italy, and now you’re on a case in Hong Kong?”

Spencer leaned forward and took a moment before he spoke again.

“I left the BAU and I’ve been working with Garrett’s team.” Spencer was silent so long that Aaron finally looked over to see Spencer’s eyes cloud over a little. “When you left, Morgan took over as UC and I...there wasn’t much for me there anymore. JJ had changed so much that she and I are a little fractured. Morgan then retired when Savannah got pregnant. Without you there, the one person I could truly talk to and bounce my crazy ideas off of, I didn’t want to stay. Jack Garrett needed a new agent and I jumped at the chance.”

“I could see how his team would be good for you. So, you were on a case when you got the call, don’t they need you?”

“No. It’s actually wrapping up. We caught the Unsub, now its just Jack and Matt interrogating the man right now, but there is enough evidence that he’ll go away for a long time.”

Aaron nodded, but didn’t say anything as he turned back towards the window. Part of him wanted Spencer to leave because it hurt too much to have him there. Another part of himself was happy Spencer was there. Aaron was saved from any talking when the doctor walked in to check on him. 

Dr. Hwang was gentle as he examined Aaron, his English was about perfect with that odd combination of British and Chinese that Aaron had gotten used to over the last couple of years. 

“When do you think I can go back home to the US?”

“I want you to stay at least a week, then I can evaluate and make sure that you’ll be okay to travel at the end of the week. If so, I’ll arrange for a medical flight and a nurse to go with you. We’ve already contacted your insurance and there doesn’t seem to be any issues. Now, I will give you a list of colleagues who will be more than willing to take on your care from here.”

“How bad?” 

“You essentially have pins running through your leg and knee holding it together. The cast here is a soft cast, but we will have to put you in a different cast in the next day or so. Screws will have to line up to the pins in your knee holding everything together. There was a lot of reconstruction to your whole leg, Mr. Hotchner.”

Aaron closed his eyes and took a moment to process.

“Will I be able to run again?”

The doctor was silent till Aaron looked at him fully.

“I can’t answer that. There is a high chance that you won’t be able to run. But, your doctors in the States will be able to determine that more fully once you are home.”

“Thank you, Doctor.” Aaron closed his eyes, shutting himself off. He didn’t want to talk anymore and the Doctor seemed to sense it. He left and Aaron heard the door shut. Spencer started to talk, but Aaron turned his head away, he didn’t want pity, or even compassion. He knew he was being stubborn, but he had gotten himself in this mess and he knew the only way out was for him to do it on his own.

* * *

Spencer came back everyday and Aaron kept trying to get him to leave. Aaron didn’t say much, he didn’t know what to say, not anymore. He had been so isolated in Hong Kong that he almost forgot how to have a conversation with friends. He listened to Spencer, and while it soothed something inside of him, it hurt too. He didn’t understand why he was letting himself be put through this small hell he was in. Spencer was so close and Aaron wanted desperately to touch and be touched, to kiss those lips he had once known so well, to hold him close and remember what they had once been to each other. By the fourth day, Aaron did something so uncharacteristic of his old self, he broke down right in the middle of one of Spencer’s epic rambles.

“Aaron?” Spencer’s voice was full of worry and fear, but Aaron couldn’t reassure him. He just let himself cry. It was the first time since before his wedding that he let himself actually feel real feelings. Fear, pain, regret all crashed inside of him and he didn’t know how to stop. His hands clenched and unclenched in the bedding under him trying to find some purchase for the slippery slide downhill he was feeling. When he felt the bed dip and he was gently being pulled into arms that were stronger than he remembered he wanted to tell Spencer that even that small act  _ hurt. _

“I don’t know how to help you, Aaron. You’ve shut yourself off. Please talk to me?”

Aaron buried his head against Spencer’s neck and pulled him even closer. If this was all he was going to ever get, he was going to be selfish and hold on as long as he could. If he didn’t, if he let go at that moment, he knew he would lose himself to the grief and anger he had at his own stupidity. All those emotions he was trying to purge he would turn inward and eventually destroy what little he had left of his life.

Finally he stopped and pulled away. Spencer handed him tissues and Aaron quickly dried his face off. 

“What do you want me to say, Spencer? Do you want me to lay myself bare? Should I say to you how massively I screwed up my life? How it tears me up inside to see that fucking ring on your finger and know that no matter what happens I will never be able to repair what we once were? That I still love you and it hurts, Spencer, it hurts to know that I did this. That it’s all my fault and no matter what I do from here on out, you will always be the one that got away. That I will never get the chance to make it right between us. Do you want to hear how I knew the moment I asked Beth to marry me I was making the wrong decision, but that I was scared. I was scared of what it was you truly meant to me. I was scared of a lot of things and that fear...that fear has turned my life inside out.” Aaron took a shuddering breath and laid back on the bed. He turned away from Spencer hoping the man would leave.

“I wish that things were different. I wasn’t going to wait for what ifs and maybes, and I’m sorry you’re hurting, Aaron. I truly am. I know part of what your feeling because it was how I felt seeing Beth with your ring on her finger. I also knew how deep in denial you were and I had to move on. I had to live my life like you were never coming back. I lost not only the man I loved, but I lost my best friend. I’m not going to apologize for moving on.”

Aaron hated how the cold hard truth of Spencer’s words stabbed him in the heart like they did. 

“I’m not asking you to. You have every right to move on. Now, please, Spencer, I don’t want to beg you to leave, but I will if it will get you to go. I need time.”

“Aaron...”

“NO! Spencer stop it, please stop. I  _ need you to leave _ .” Aaron turned away and let out a shaky breath. He was barely holding on by a string even after purging. Being in Spencer’s arms had almost been too much for his broken psyche to take. Silence reigned for what felt like hours but was only a mere moments. Aaron tried to tune out the words Spencer was saying and when he finally heard the door click shut and for the first time in days he was truly alone, Aaron let himself finally succumb to the darker emotions that had been deep down inside of him. Closing his eyes he drifted off to sleep in the blessed quiet of his room.

* * *

The end of the week came and the doctor had Aaron get up and try the crutches. His leg had been put in a different cast, one that let him bend it a little so that he could be more mobile. It took a few tries, but eventually Aaron got the hang of it. The Doctor was going to release him to fly back home on a medical transport flight that was also taking a couple of other patients back to the US. After two years, Aaron was going home. Even the Hong Kong police had cleared him to leave, they had his phone number if they needed anything.

One of his colleagues at the small law firm that he had been working at had been willing to pack up a couple of suitcases for Aaron. He had come by and dropped them off at the hospital, said a few words of condolences then left. Aaron had not let himself get close to anyone at the office, it was as if something had been holding him back. Now he was glad that there were going to be no tearful goodbyes.

Spencer kept to his word and left Aaron alone the rest of the week. He thought maybe he should have been upset by it, but he was relieved. There were a lot of ugly unresolved things sitting between them and Aaron didn’t want to deal with that at the moment. Right now all he was concerned about was getting on that plane and getting to the States. 

Aaron had somehow found the courage to call Dave to see if it was okay to stay with him during his recovery. Aaron had sold the house and put all of his furniture and things he wanted to keep in storage. He paid a year at a time and Jessica would swing by every so often to check to make sure the storage unit hadn’t been disturbed.

Even though Jack had not wanted to go with Aaron and Beth, it didn’t mean that Aaron didn’t try to call or skype Jack every single day. That was another bone of contention. Aaron would speak with Jack for sometimes hours before they had to hang up. Beth was jealous of the time Aaron spent with his son.

“Are you ready, Aaron?”

Aaron looked up to see Spencer standing there. He almost yelled at him to go away, but even he knew he would need help getting to the plane, then getting to Rossi’s.

“Yes. A colleague packed those bags for me so that I could at least have some clothes. I’ll contact a professional company to pack the rest of the stuff and have it shipped to me.”

A nurse brought in a wheelchair and Aaron got himself into it and after signing what felt like a mountain of papers, Spencer was pushing him out towards a van.

“You didn’t have to do this, Spencer. Dr. Hwang had everything worked out.”

“I let you have your silence, Aaron. I’m not leaving you.”

Aaron wanted to protest, but he knew when Spencer got something in his head, there was no changing the younger man’s mind. Getting to the airport, then on the plane was uneventful. Aaron was tired by the time he was settled and soon fell asleep. He woke when food was being served and tried to get comfortable. Spencer was, thankfully quiet while he read a book. 

The long flight sapped what little energy Aaron had and by the time they landed in DC he was exhausted. He just wanted to get to Rossi’s and sleep for a week.

Spencer got his luggage loaded up after getting Aaron in the van and comfortable. The silence between them still stretched on, but honestly Aaron didn’t know what to say to Spencer. Things between them were going to be awkward for a long time to come, which Aaron regretted more than he could say.

Aaron let his mind wander as they sped down the streets of DC and then into Virginia. Familiar neighborhoods flashed by and all Aaron could do was look out and try not to think how the last two years had been the worst years of his life.

Not paying much attention till it was too late and Spencer was stopping in front of a charming looking house in an upscale neighborhood.

“Spencer, where are we?”

Spencer turned toward Aaron after unbuckling his seatbelt.

“We’re at my house.”

Aaron closed his eyes and wondered if Spencer was that completely oblivious. He had no idea what was going through the younger man’s mind.

“Spencer please take me to Rossi’s. He’s expecting me.”

“Aaron, you need help and I want to help take care of you.”

Aaron closed his eyes and tried to understand Spencer’s intentions.

“In your house, with your husband.”

“Aaron I already spoke with Stephen and he wants to meet you.”

“Spencer, I’m tired, I’m hurting and I really just want to go to Rossi’s. A nurse is going to come by to check on me and I have an appointment in the next week that Rossi has already said I can use his driver. Please don’t make me stay here, Spencer.”

Aaron looked at Spencer and saw a wounded look on his face. Aaron couldn’t help it. He was not going to stay in Spencer’s house with his new husband. That would be a level of torture that Aaron wouldn’t be able to endure.

“But, Aaron...”

Aaron was going to say something when he looked out the window and saw a tall dark haired man walking towards the vehicle.

“Spence, why are you guys just sitting out here?” The man said and the light midwestern accent fit the man’s good looks very well.

“I’m trying to convince Aaron to come inside and to stay with us while he recovers.”

Aaron couldn’t take it. He couldn’t. This was one blow too many and he felt like he was going to explode.

“What do you want, Spencer? Do you want to punish me for our past? Do you want to see me bleeding at your feet because fuck, I already am. Don’t do this to me, Spencer, just take me to Rossi’s. Please.”

The man, Stephen looked at Aaron with sympathy and understanding on his face. Aaron turned away because he couldn’t take it.

“Love, I know you have good intentions here, but I think I have to agree with Aaron there. He’s still in love with you, Spence. Don’t you think him being here will be a kind of torture?”

Spencer looked over at Aaron and Aaron wasn’t sure what was on his face, but Spencer nodded and seemed to finally understand.

“I’m...I’m sorry Aaron.” Aaron turned away and didn’t look at Spencer and tried not to hear him and his husband talking softly with each other. Spencer started the van up once more and the silence once again stretched on. It was heavy and thick with pain and sorrow and Aaron didn’t know what to say. 

When they pulled up into Rossi’s driveway after being buzzed in Aaron didn’t expect to see Jessica coming out of Rossi’s side door near the garage. But, when he saw Jack, it was like his heart cracked all over again. The boy ran to the van and opened the door trying his best to crawl into Aaron’s lap. Aaron didn’t care about the pain in his leg as he pulled his son to him and held him in his arms. He thought he had cried it all out in the hospital, but seeing Jack, holding him again broke open the floodgates for both Hotchner men. 

Finally, Jessica made it over and gently pulled her nephew away, then helped Aaron out of the van. Spencer had already gotten out and pulled the two pieces of luggage out as Aaron stood there on his crutches.

“Thank you, Spencer for coming to the hospital and flying home with me. I do appreciate it. Now, I think it’s best if you go home.” Aaron turned and didn’t let Spencer say anything, he just wanted to get inside and hopefully reconnect with his family and try his hardest to figure out the rest of his life.

* * *

Jessica helped Aaron into the bedroom on the first floor that had been set-up for him, presumably by someone on Dave’s staff. The adjustable bed was blessedly comfortable, and Aaron could elevate his leg.

“Thank you, Jess. But, I have to ask, what are you and Jack doing here?”

Jessica sat on the bed next to Aaron and leaned back on her arms.

“Jack and I are living here, Aaron. We moved in, at Dave’s insistence, a few months after you went to Hong Kong.”

“What? Why? And why didn’t you tell me?’

“Jack didn’t want you to know, Aaron. He wanted you to come home and was hoping that you would. While I know the last couple of summers he spent with you, he didn’t want you to know how hurt he was. Staying here has been good for the both of us.

“My Dad, he has Alzheimer’s and while I did try to have him live with me, it just got too hard to take care of him and Jack. Dave, after a call from your son, came to help. He got my Dad into a good facility, actually intimidated him into one, then he basically told us we were going to live with him, no arguments.” Jessica laughed at the look on Aaron’s face. “Yeah, Dave is a force all right.”

“I’m glad he was here.” Aaron looked down at his hands that were in his lap and tried not to sink into the depression he was feeling creeping up on him. “I’m sorry, Jess. I should have been here. I made a lot of mistakes and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to make-up for them.”

Jess leaned forward and took one of Aaron’s hands in his and held it a moment.

“Aaron, don’t do that to yourself. All you can do now is try to move on.”

Aaron looked out the bedroom door, his eyes not really focusing on anything and felt his eyes fill again. All his regrets and mistakes making him feel a fragility he had never let himself feel, not even under his father’s cruel hand, not even after Haley died. He stayed strong through so much, but now everything was just too much.

“I lost him, Jess. I lost the best thing I ever had in my life and I don’t know how to reconcile that. He wants to be my friend again, he even wanted me to live in his house to help in my recovery. How can I do that, Jess? How can I go back? I love him and I ruined that. He’ll never be mine and it’s my fault.”

“Aaron...” Jess didn’t say anything more, but she just crawled up on the bed next to Aaron and held him in her arms. Jack came in a few moments later with one of his old stuffed animals in his hands. He handed it to Aaron as he too crawled up on the bed. 

“Here, Dad. I thought maybe Mr. Peanut would help make you feel better.” 

Aaron wondered at his son. The compassion and love he had when the boy should be angry at Aaron for leaving like he had was a wonder to Aaron. He knew they had to talk about all of this, but that would come later, right now Aaron was finding something he had thought he lost forever, his family.

The three of them cuddled for a couple of hours, then Jess put on a movie, got some drinks and snacks and they all stayed in the bed doing something they used to love to do together. Aaron was slowly finding his center again, but he knew it would be a long hard road before he found himself again.

* * *

Waking up the next morning Aaron still couldn’t comprehend his freedom from the hell he had been living in the last eighteen months. Looking up at the ceiling he could look at his life with Beth and see the things he had not wanted to see before. The first six months had been wonderful, then slowly the isolation, being cut off from friends and family, being told what to wear, how to act, when he could and couldn’t go for a run. The only thing Aaron demanded was time to skype or call Jack. She had agreed to a 5 a.m. time and that should have been Aaron’s first clue that not all was as perfect as it seemed, but he didn’t want to face the fact he had made the biggest mistake of his life. 

“I see you’re awake and brooding.”

Aaron turned to see Dave leaning in the doorway to the room he had been given. 

“Just taking stock of my life and realizing how deep I had gotten myself into a bad situation. How I let myself become a victim of domestic abuse. I always thought I, of all people, would see it coming. How is it my eight year old son could sense it and I couldn’t?” Aaron went back to staring at the ceiling, his leg aching from the long travel the day before. 

“You’re home now, Aaron. You’ll get better and move on from this.”

Aaron laughed, he hated how much he was doing that lately, but he didn’t seem to be able to stop it. The pain and cynicism came through quite clearly in the bitter laugh that came out of him.

“I just keep hurting the people that care about me. I don’t know what I’m doing, Dave. I haven’t known since I collapsed in the office a little over two years ago. My fear and pain led me to do things that had I stopped and thought rationally, I never would have done. What do I have left? No place to live, no one to come back to except my son. No job, nothing. Not even my health and dignity.”

Dave moved into the room, but Aaron didn’t look at him. He heard the rustle of a chair being moved then silence for a moment.

“I see it like this. You can lie there and wallow in depression and self-pity, or you can do what you have always done. Find that strength inside of yourself to do what you need to do to heal not just physically, but mentally as well. If I have to kick your ass to do it, I will.”

Aaron finally looked at Dave to see that his friend was quite serious.

“I already know I should talk to someone. I realized that while on the plane coming home. Why weren’t you here last night? I didn’t even ask Jess, I just wanted rest.”

“Case. We got back in the early morning. I haven’t had breakfast yet, and I promised a certain young man that I would make my special eggs diablo. Why don’t you get your ass out of that bed and come into the kitchen and we’ll talk while I cook.”

“Dave...” Aaron began to protest but Dave stood and leaned on the bed.

“No. You, Aaron Hotchner, are not going to hide in this bedroom even if I have to drag you out of here myself, and don’t think I can’t do it. You’re skinny as hell and need to eat. Now, I know you know how to use those crutches, so get yourself going and I’ll have coffee ready.” Dave turned and walked out of Aaron’s bedroom not letting Aaron even say one word. Sighing, he reached for the crutches, checked that his cast was still on properly after grabbing a shirt to put on and made his way out towards the kitchen. When he got there, a cup of coffee and some of Rossi’s Italian style coffee cake were on a place setting at the kitchen table. There was even a chair with pillows to prop his leg up onto.

“Dave, thank you for letting me stay. When I can walk a little better I’ll be looking for a place and get out of your hair.” Aaron doctored his coffee how he liked it first thing in the morning while he spoke to Dave.

“No you won’t. You are staying put. Besides, Jack likes it here.”

“Dave, I can’t live in your house forever.”

Dave was chopping onions, garlic, and some spicy peppers for the Eggs Diablo. Dave had made it on more than one occasion for Aaron after he stayed to sleep off a hangover and loved it. The fact that his son asked for it had made Aaron smile on the inside. As much as Jack looked like Haley, he was all Aaron’s son. Jack got his love of spice from Aaron. 

“You certainly can. I’ve liked having Jack and Jessica here. This place is entirely too big for me, and having people here helps with the all too quiet nights.”

Aaron was humbled by his friends generosity and knew that no amount of arguing would change Dave’s mind, so Aaron decided to aquieces with grace and dignity. Aaron felt like he had had little left in the way of dignity. The Hong Kong police had grilled him over and over the days he was awake and recovering. They finally had felt satisfied after about four days of Aaron answering the same questions over and over with no deviance to his answers. Aaron had been grateful that Spencer was there to help no matter how much it hurt.

“You and I both know that anyone, even the smart ones, can fall victim to abuse. Spencer sent me the police reports on what happened, and his own observations after visiting the house you and Beth shared.”

Aaron sipped his coffee and tried to gather his jumbled thoughts together. Taking a couple of bites of the cake and almost smiling at the taste and how he had missed Dave’s cooking.

“It started small, now that I look back and see it all so clearly. Making minor comments on how I dressed, or what it was I ate. Putting more and more restrictions on when I could run or play golf. Gaslighting me over little things at first, then bigger things. I thought at times that I really was going crazy. 

“We had a huge fight over me taking the time to talk to Jack. Sometimes he would chatter doing his homework and I would just listen to him, or help him with what he was doing. Beth would get up around 6:30 and demand that I be with her till she left for work, which by that time Jack would be falling asleep and I would miss story time with him. The fight morphed into how much time I spent on runs. I think she wanted to destroy my ability to run.” Aaron sighed and took a few small bites of cake and a few sips of coffee.

“It was the first time I really saw what she was doing and called her on it. She backhanded me. That was the final wake-up call. I knew I needed to leave as soon as possible. What I wasn’t watching was what she was doing while cooking dinner. After we ate, I remember passing out. I woke up and felt like I had been drugged, that’s when I called the police. I was having a hard time getting out of bed when Beth came into the bedroom. She had shattered my knee and cracked bones in my lower leg. She was about to do the same to the other leg when the police came in and saw her with the a gun in her hand, and the sledgehammer on the floor. I was half on the bed and half on the floor trying to get away from her.

“I passed out and was rushed to the hospital and given pain meds that made me sleep for the next day or so. Dave, I really thought she was going to kill me.”

Aaron stopped talking and finished his cake. Dave didn’t say much as he refilled Aaron’s mug with fresh coffee. He laid a hand on Aaron’s shoulder and gently squeezed before turning back towards the kitchen.

“Aaron, this wasn’t your fault. Beth was your abuser and I know it’s hard to hear this, because I know that huge guilt complex that you have, this wasn’t your fault. You at least saw it and called for help.”

“Not soon enough.” 

Dave sounded like he was going to say more, but voices could be heard coming towards the kitchen.

“Dad!” Jack excitedly yelled and ran towards Aaron. Aaron hugged his son tight before letting him go. The boy sat on a chair next to Aaron. “I thought I dreamed last night.”

Aaron laughed, but this time it was a genuine laugh.

“No buddy, you didn’t dream last night.”

Jack looked down at the table and when he spoke next his tone was very serious. 

“I’m glad you’re home, Dad. I missed you so much.”

Aaron took a deep breath and slowly let it out.

“I missed you too buddy. And I promise, I am not going to leave you like that ever again.”

Jack looked up at Aaron, his eyes shining, but he wasn’t letting the tears fall. He was fighting them and Aaron often wondered if Jack was too much like him.

“You aren’t going back to the FBI?”

“Jack, we talked about this.” Jessica tucked a stray strand of long hair behind Jack’s ear. Aaron noted in his head that his son needed a haircut.

“No, buddy, I’m not. I don’t even know if I could. I have to wait to see what is going to happen with my recovery. I know I’ll need more surgeries, and a lot of physical therapy. My field days are pretty much over.”

“What are you going to do?” Jack looked upset and Aaron wondered if his leaving Jack like he did affected Jack more than the boy let on. Aaron would take him to whatever therapist he found and the two of them would begin to talk all of this out.

“I don’t know, Jack. Right now I’m not sure of anything.”

“But...” 

“Jack, what’s goin’ on in your head.”

Dave came over and dropped off a mug of tea for Jessica and a glass of juice for Jack. Taking a moment, Jack drank his juice, then wiped his mouth. 

“You always know what to do, Dad. No matter what happens, you always know what to do.”

Aaron laid his hand over Jack’s and understood where the anxiety was coming from.

“I know, Jack. And I’m truly sorry that I have hurt you. I never wanted to, but right now, with all of this going on, I don’t know what I’m going to do, but I want to try to figure this out. Do you think we could together?”

Jack looked up at his Dad and vigorously nodded his head. Jessica smiled and Aaron knew that the people with him, surrounding him would always be there for him, no matter what, even if difficult times were ahead.

* * *

The first three months after getting home had been hard. Aaron had forgotten that every Tuesday that Spencer was in town he spent time with Jack, usually doing fun age appropriate experiments, or some other activity that Jack would enjoy. Aaron had not run into him till almost three weeks after getting home because he had to have an emergency surgery. Infection had started at the pin sites which Dr. Hwang had warned him could happen. Thankfully they had gotten it under control before it got too bad. During the surgery the pins holding his leg together had been better positioned, then the screws were set. The cast he got gave Aaron a better range of motion, but kept his knee in a position to help it heal. The doctor could lock in the appropriate position as the knee and leg healed, which would be another six to eight weeks. After healing, physical therapy was in Aaron’s future. And possibly more surgeries if the scar tissue built up over time.

During his stay in the hospital, Aaron requested to speak with a mental health therapist. His Doctor recommended a few and one name popped out for Aaron. It was someone he had given a particularly tough profile to and she had helped the BAU on more than one occasion. When they first started, Aaron found it difficult to begin, but Dr. Mira was patient with him, but also didn’t let him get away with any bullshit.

Aaron was in his sitting room sipping a glass of scotch thinking about how the last three months had gone. He had a couple more weeks before the Doctor would prescribe him the physical therapy. He was walking with a cane and the brace had been changed out to a hinged brace that helped keep his knee intact. It was Tuesday and he was again avoiding Spencer. Aaron had talked to Dr. Mira about all of the mistakes he had made with his former lover, and how it killed him that Spencer was married, but he had no right to be jealous about it. Mira told him that his feelings were valid and that he needed to feel them to come to terms with them. To keep them locked up, not dealing with them would only cause him more pain and depression in the long run. Aaron still wasn’t ready to face Spencer, however, when there was a knock on his open door, Aaron knew that Spencer was tired of being ignored. Aaron finished his drink and set the glass aside and watched the man standing in his doorway for a moment before he decided to speak.

“I take it Dave showed you up here?”

Spencer nodded and slipped his hands in his pockets. He was wearing an old pair of jeans that Aaron recognized as a pair he had bought Spencer. He liked the look of him in the tighter, bootcut style jeans.  

“I’m not ready for this, Spencer. I’m still working on my feelings. I know you probably want to talk this out, but I don’t know if I can without hurting you, or myself.”

“You’re hiding from me. You have been since you came home.”

“Yes.”

Spencer frowned and looked down at the floor a moment before looking back up at Aaron.

“When are you going to stop it?”

Aaron swallowed back his emotions as he swiveled his head to the side then turned back to look at Spencer.

“When I can look at you and it doesn’t hurt anymore. When I stop being angry at myself for running away, when I can stop being jealous that you’ve found someone else to be happy with. When I can learn to move on.”

“Aaron.” Spencer fidgeted, much like he used to do when he had first joined the BAU. “I want to tell you that you have no right to be jealous. I want to be angry at you for leaving, but I can’t. A part of me understands. I just...I want my friend back.”

Aaron leaned back on the couch trying his hardest not to sigh. He had missed Spencer too, but he wasn’t sure if they could ever get back to that place they had been before they turned into lovers and Aaron used him to dull his pain from the many storms he had weathered before he broke things off with Spencer. 

“I don’t know, Spencer. I don’t know if I can do that. At least not right now. I can’t help my feelings and I’ve been trying to spare the both of us the pain of the reminder that I still love you. I don’t know if I will ever stop loving you.”

Spencer turned his eyes towards the top of the doorway and Aaron could tell that he was trying to not to be upset by Aaron’s words. 

“I’m not ready for the conversation that would follow, Spencer. I’m not ready to fight with you, to lay all of this out in the open. I’m working on it and you are going to have to let me have the time to come to terms with the people that we have become. As much as I want to walk over there and take you in my arms and kiss you, to take you to bed and make love to you, I know it will never happen again. You’re married and I know you would never turn your back on your vows, and I could never be the one to be the other man. So, please, until I can talk about this rationally, till I can look at you and not want anymore, please wait for me to come to you.” 

Spencer looked like he wanted to cry and Aaron had the urge to go comfort him, but he knew that it would be a very bad idea. Finally, Spencer nodded his head and didn’t say anything more. He walked away and Aaron felt a piece of himself leaving with Spencer.

When Jack came in wanting to snuggle in Aaron’s bed with a book in his hand, Aaron thought that it was the perfect thing to help his battered soul. 

After about an hour of reading, Jack’s eyes were fluttering closed and Aaron knew he was getting sleepy.

“Dad?”

“Yeah, Buddy?”

“Why are you so sad all the time? Isn’t Dr. Mira helping?”

Aaron knew his son picked up on his moods, and he couldn’t deny how he was feeling. Jack always deserved the truth.

“I hurt not only myself, but Spencer when I left, Jack. I didn’t have the courage to be with him like I really wanted to and I made a bad decision when I married Beth.”

“Spencer is married. I was sad when he got married.”

“I’m sorry Buddy. If I could, I would go back and do a lot of things differently, but I can’t and we are all suffering from my bad decisions. I promise you, Jack, that I will do everything I can to make it up to you.”

Jack took a deep breath and laid against Aaron.

“I know, Dad. Can I sleep with you tonight?”

Aaron kissed the top of Jack’s head and held him close.

“Of course you can. Let me change and we’ll go to bed. I’m pretty tired myself.” Aaron slipped out of the clothes he was wearing and put on some pyjamas, then made sure his brace was on correctly before slipping into bed where he let Jack cuddle against his side. Jack and Jessica had been his solace since he had come home. As he lay there, letting Jack curl up and go to sleep, Aaron wondered what it was he wanted for himself when he got better. He was grateful to Dave for letting him, Jack and Jessica stay at his house, but he knew eventually he needed his own place. What that would look like, Aaron didn’t know. All he knew was what he could see over the next few weeks. The physical therapy, and the work he was doing with Dr. Mira. 

Spencer coming to see him had thrown him a little, but in truth he had expected it at some point, but he was honest, he wasn’t ready to hash it all out with Spencer. What he told the man was the truth. He would always love Spencer and now he had to learn to live with those feelings and the reality that he could never act on them. 

Aaron tried to go to sleep, he knew he needed it, but he was having trouble. Using some of the techniques Dr. Mira had taught him, Aaron worked to quiet his mind and let those thoughts go. It was hard, but finally after a couple of hours of struggling he finally was able to fall asleep. Aaron hoped that the next day would be a better day.

* * *

“Well, Aaron, it looks like the bones in your lower leg have healed really well, the replacement kneecap is doing well also. The only part I am concerned about is your ACL and how the tendons we had to reattach are healing. When you start physical therapy next week, I want your therapist to watch for any issues that may come up.

“I want to do bi-weekly visits, then if everything is going well, monthly for six months after. Now, I want you to be prepared for the possibility of problems, like stiffness, soreness, and residual pain. While we did everything we could to reconstruct your knee and help your bones heal there was a lot of damage, Aaron. I know you’re concerned about being able to run again, but I cannot give you any guarantees right now. You are going to have to consider the possibility that you may not be able to. Or at least you won’t be doing any marathons.”

Aaron closed his eyes and rubbed at his forehead. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to laugh or cry at this point. He thought about all of the things that had happened to him when he was BAU Unit Chief and none of them had impaired his mobility.

Part of him wanted to talk to Spencer. He wanted to know how Spencer had dealt with his recovery, even though the two injuries were nothing alike Aaron knew Spencer had a lot of problems with chronic pain. But, he wasn’t ready for that. Not yet.

“Thank you, Doctor.”

The Doctor just nodded and wrote out the instructions on how to schedule his first appointment and the recommended therapist for Aaron’s particular injury. The Doctor left and Aaron got dressed, got his cast back on then grabbed his cane and started out of the office. He stopped by the nurses desk and made his next appointment, then walked out and followed the signs for the physical therapy department. He wanted to get this started as soon as he was able. On his way Aaron wasn’t paying attention, his mind was wandering as he tried to think about some of the things he had talked to Dr. Mira about earlier in the week. They were working on Aaron’s feelings of guilt and shame over what happened with Haley. They had not even broached the subject of Spencer yet and Aaron was not looking forward to that conversation. He bumped into someone and turned to apologize when he saw the face of the person he had run into.

“Tony!”

“Aaron? I thought you were in Hong Kong?”

“No. I ah...I came home a few months ago.”

Tony frowned and looked Aaron over, the frown deepened and Aaron could see the concern on his friends face.

“What happened?”

Aaron had a lie on the tip of his tongue, but knew with Tony you couldn’t lie. The man was a human lie detector and hated it when people didn’t tell him the truth, especially friends.

“It’s a long story. I could buy you a cup of coffee and we can talk.”

“I have time. Why don’t we meet at that little cafe near the base we would meet at for lunch.”

“Sounds good. I have to go to schedule my physical therapy, then I’ll meet you there in say, fifteen or twenty minutes?”

“Sounds good.”

Tony gave Aaron a quick hug then he left. Aaron found his way to the physical therapy area and met with one of the therapists who helped him figure out a good schedule. Luckily the therapist that his orthopedic doctor recommended was available and a series of dates were set up. Aaron was given a printout of the schedule, he thanked the person who helped him, then he made his way out of the hospital and on towards the cafe to meet up with Tony.

The new car Aaron had bought, Rossi had gone with him to help pick it out. It was comfortable and adapted for his injury. Aaron was grateful once again for his friends help in all of this. Letting his thoughts go for the drive over Aaron tried to not feel apprehensive about meeting with Tony.

Finding parking wasn’t hard as the lunch hour had long past. Aaron was hungry and he knew he could get a good sandwich at least while he caught Tony up on what was going on. He didn’t look forward to this conversation, but he knew he needed to talk about it with someone outside of the situation. Rossi was too close, and with Dr. Mira it was too emotional. With Tony he could be one-hundred percent himself and not have to try to pretend he was okay when he really wasn’t. He knew he was getting better, but he still felt raw and broken. He often told himself that nothing was ever going to fix him, but Dr. Mira assured him that in time things would get better.

Aaron made his way inside the cafe and saw that Tony had grabbed them a table on the right hand side of the restaurant that had access to the banquette. Aaron would be able to elevate his leg if he needed to. He was grateful for Tony’s thoughtfulness.

“Tony. I’m sorry I haven’t been in touch. It’s been one thing after another since I started my recovery.”

Aaron sat down and when he did a waiter came over and set a glass of iced tea in front of him. The man was one of the owners and he and his partners did everything the rest of the staff did. But whenever Aaron and Tony came in he took care of them personally.

“Thanks Marc.”

“No problem Hotch. I’ll give you guys a few minutes to figure out what you want.”

Tony nodded then turned to Aaron with a speaking look. Aaron waited for him to ask what it was he was going to ask.

“So, what happened?”

Aaron took a sip of his tea and gathered his thoughts together before he told Tony what had happened to him in Hong Kong and how he had left behind a mess. He talked about seeing Dr. Mira and how she was helping him through his emotional minefield. 

“Frankly I was shocked when you said you were getting married to Beth. I thought for sure that it was going to be Dr. Reid. I know how close you had gotten to him and I was sure that was where you were going.”

Aaron didn’t look Tony in the eyes when he spoke again. 

“I fucked that up, Tone. I fucked that up so badly that he is now married to someone else and looks happy. He wants us to be friends again, but how can I? I still love him and these feelings aren’t going away. Seeing him at the house when he comes by to spend time with Jack hurts like hell. I don’t know how to move on.”

“Have you talked this through with Dr. Mira yet?”

“No. I keep avoiding it.”

Tony snorted and Aaron looked up at his friend, his brows knitted and waited for Tony to say more. But Marc came over first and took their orders then left them alone again.

“You avoid a lot of things, Hotch. This is one time you can’t avoid it. You have to deal with it. I know, I’m one to talk, but don’t let me be your emotional example. I was in love with someone incapable of loving me back and I finally decided I needed something better. You deserve someone who is going to focus on you for a change.”

“I don’t know if I can go through this again. I don’t know if I can put myself out there again. Every relationship I seem to ruin somehow.” Aaron felt the oppressive weight of the ever present depression he had been living with for far longer than the three years he had been with Beth. That depression started before Haley left, it started when he realised that his wife was cheating on him and it had not left him. Of course it was only now that he was dealing with the years and all of the crap he had pushed down inside of him that led to the very place he now was in his life. Depression and anxiety had pushed at him and made him turn to Spencer. He knew that he had used Spencer to try to assuage the ugly emotions inside of him and for a time it worked, till it didn’t anymore because love had snuck up on him and he had gotten scared. 

“When I collapsed and was rushed to the hospital, I had no idea what was going on. The dreams I had while in surgery, I wanted to believe them. Seeing myself happy with Beth, finally saying goodbye to Haley and confronting Foyet, it was cathartic in a lot of ways. I came out of that surgery wondering if it was all worth it. I thought about that dream and I grabbed hold of it, but I realised too late that dreams aren’t reality.” Aaron played with his glass, pushing it back and forth not really knowing what else to say.

“I’m going to say something that probably nobody but Dr. Mira has said. It’s okay to be depressed. It’s okay to be sad, and angry and to not know what direction you want your life to go in now. It’s alright, Aaron, to feel what you’re feeling because you are dealing with it. You don’t have to be mentally okay right now.”

Aaron finally let himself look up at Tony and felt a relief that he had not felt in too long. Someone was telling him that his emotions were valid and that he didn’t need to snap out of it and be a hundred percent okay. It felt good that a friend, one he had at one time trusted and often relied on outside of work, was telling him he was okay.

“Thank you, Tony. I think I needed to hear that.”

“Anytime, my friend. And, if you want me to swing by and bring some movies, or want to watch a game together, just call and I’ll be there if I’m not buried in a case.”

Aaron nodded and kept that in the back of his mind. It might be good for him to have company other than Jessica or Dave. Staring at the same walls for months on end could drive a person insane.

“I will keep that in mind.” 

The food came and conversation slowed, but the two of them spent the rest of their meal catching up on other things in their lives. Aaron had asked Tony what he was doing at Bethesda, and Tony had told Aaron he was there to meet with his Pulmonologist. He had to see Dr. Brad Pitt every six months to evaluate his lungs to make sure the medications he was taking was still the best course of treatment. He had days that were sometimes worse and Dr. Pitt would usually clear his schedule to fit Tony in. Aaron had laughed about the name, and the circumstances by which the two men knew each other. Tony had said he had forgiven Dr. Pitt years before they ever met up again. 

When they were done and Aaron was driving home, he actually felt better than he had in years. He had missed Tony’s friendship and vowed to himself to not let it lapse again. 

Getting to Rossi’s, Aaron felt lighter, felt validated and he knew that somehow with his friends and family, he would recover. What that was going to look like in the end, Aaron wasn’t sure, but he knew he didn’t have to have all of the answers right away, he could work on it and discover it along the way of his recovery.

* * *

Another two months went by and Mira started to force Aaron to talk about what happened with Spencer and all the mistakes Aaron had made with the man he had loved. Something Aaron had not even acknowledged to himself was some internalized homophobia. While he had secretly wanted sex with the man, being out and open about it had been another issue altogether and it played into why Aaron had run away. Dr. Mira advised Aaron that it was past time to confront Spencer with all of this and get it all out in the open. She had advised Aaron that if he didn’t do it, then it would eat at him and ruin any chances Aaron might have of possible future relationships.

Aaron could admit he was scared to talk to Spencer, but he knew Dr. Mira was right. This pain would never heal if Aaron didn’t hash it all out. He got the opportunity when Jack had actually wanted to go see a movie with Jessica one Tuesday because it was a special screening of an animated movie he had been wanting to see. Aaron had previewed it on YouTube and made sure that there wasn’t anything in there that was going to be inappropriate for an eight year old. 

When Spencer showed up, Aaron waylaid him and told him they needed to talk.

“Where’s Jack?” Spencer asked as he sat awkwardly in one of the wingback chairs in Dave’s study.

“There is a showing of an animated movie Jack wanted to see.  _ Nausicaa Of the Valley Of the Wind _ . It’s playing at that revival theatre and it’s only for today. He wanted to go with Jessica. I told him I would make his apologies. Then I figured it would be the right time for us to talk.”

“Okay.” Spencer sat looking nervous.

“I love you, Spencer. And no amount of therapy is going to make that change, but I know I have to learn to let it go. I’ll always love you and I know I should have admitted that years ago.”

“Why didn’t you? What...what held you back?”

“Many things. You being my subordinate. Then the age difference, the fact that there were so many things about you that I knew I could lose myself in wanting you. I was addicted to you, Spencer. To how you felt, how you kissed, how you looked after we had sex, all soft and lazy and perfect. I was scared of those feelings I had for you. They ran so deep and then the voice of my father. The way he made me feel humiliated if I even looked at another boy. My internalized homophobia. I could fuck you, and god did I want to fuck you, but that fear and my own hatred of those feelings held me back.”

Spencer leaned forward but didn’t look away from Aaron.

“I could ask why you didn’t talk to me about all of this but we both know that you never would have. Not without being completely honest and some good therapy. You kept so much inside of you, Aaron. I thought at one time that I could love enough for the both of us and I was wrong. I let myself get lost in your own problems and your own need to purge, to feel, to do whatever it was you needed that I forgot myself. When you started to date Beth I was so angry, but we hadn’t made any real commitments to each other. We never actually talked and that was as much my fault as yours.”

Aaron stood and hobbled towards the drink cart. He wasn’t really supposed to drink with the pain medication he was on, but he needed a little something to help fortify himself. He held up a glass towards Spencer who gave a curt nod. Aaron poured just a small amount in each glass, handed Spencer his, then he sat back down and took a healthy swallow.

“I know I hurt you. I knew it, but I couldn’t stop it. Beth, in the beginning, felt safe. I didn’t have to deal with all of these feelings I had for you so I buried them and tried to move on.”

Spencer sipped his drink and Aaron could tell he was taking his time, weighing his words carefully.

“I should have pushed, but I was scared, Aaron. I was scared of how you would react, especially after Foyet. When we were both recovering, you were so volatile. I was afraid at one point that you were...” Spencer looked down at the glass in his hands and stayed quiet.

“That I was what?”

“I was afraid you were suicidal. You did a lot of stupid things. Then you would retreat inside yourself emotionally then come to me and want that physical comfort. I gave it because I was afraid of what you would do if I rejected you.”

Aaron closed his eyes as he knocked back the rest of his alcohol.

“I’m sorry if I pressured you into anything Spencer. That wasn’t my intention.”

“I know. I know why you came to me. I know why you wanted sex and I could have stopped and said no at anytime, but, and here’s the kicker, I fell in love with you and I fell hard. I somehow knew that after Haley died that you would start to back away. You got through your grief, but you didn’t want any of us to help you, not even me.”

“It was because I was so torn. I was grieving the loss of Haley and felt like I was somehow dishonoring her memory by being with you. I wanted you so much, Spencer. In the back of my mind I had a fantasy that I would find that courage to come to you, to tell you how I felt. But then I thought back to how much I hurt Haley, and how much I just expected too much from her. I saw that dream sour and I was doing the same things to you.”

“So you ran.”

Aaron nodded and set his glass aside. He wanted another drink and that was a clue that he shouldn’t have one. 

“So I ran. I don’t know how you found the strength inside of you to continue working with the team when I acted like such an asshole.”

Spencer let out a quiet laugh and turned up his mouth in a cynical smile.

“You were still my friend. Even if we never talked about what we were, I could give you the space you needed. I wasn’t nor am I now a delicate flower. And, that’s what I want to be again, Aaron. I want to be your friend. I know we could talk all this out till we are going in circles, but we both made mistakes. You more than me. My mistake was that I didn’t confront you after your surgery. You tried to keep the status quo and I knew something had drastically changed with you. When you married Beth, it blindsided me.”

“It blindsided a lot of people. I never properly thanked you for all you’ve done for Jack. I appreciate it Spencer, that you still took the time with him while I wasn’t the best father.”

“Aaron. You have never been a bad father. Even being so far away you still talked to Jack everyday. You sent him things that he could use, you made sure he still got a good education. You did more than a lot of long distance father’s have done. Jack is a great kid and we have a lot of fun.”

“What does...” Aaron still was stuck on the fact that Spencer was married and had moved on, but he knew he needed to get used to it. 

“What does Stephen think?” Spencer smiled that smile that used to be for Aaron and it made Aaron’s heartache in a way it hadn’t for a long time. “He thinks it’s great. He really does want to meet you, Aaron. If and when you are ready to, of course.”

Aaron took a deep shuddering breath and wondered not for the first time when it would stop hurting so much.

He had not realised he was crying till Spencer was right there wiping his eyes. Aaron wanted to tell him to stop, but Spencer’s touch was like a drug. He knew he was being selfish, but he would take whatever affection Spencer was willing to give him, even if it was a little bit of torture.

“Aaron. I wish things had worked out differently, but they didn’t. I understand you more now. I know we have more to talk through. I don’t want to hurt you, but I also don’t want to give you any type of false hope. I love my husband.”

Aaron’s smile didn’t quite reach his eyes as he held Spencer’s hand in his. He wanted to kiss Spencer so badly, but knew it would be a terrible idea.

“Talk to me, Aaron?”

“And tell you what? That I still want to kiss you? That more than the sex, kissing you was the next best thing to heaven on earth? That when you let me I could get lost in just feeling your lips pressed against mine, that the taste of you was intoxicating?”

“Aaron...you can’t say things like that to me.”

“Why not?”

“Because believe it or not, you have the power to tempt me. I will always love you as well, but I don’t think we are good for each other, Aaron. And I don’t want to do anything to hurt Stephen. We have a damned good life together. I love him.”

“But you don’t love him as much as you love me, do you?”

“Don’t ask me that, Aaron.” Spencer pulled away and turned his back on Aaron.

Aaron grabbed his cane and stood up, spinning Spencer around and pressing his lips against Spencer’s. If this was truly going to be the last time that Spencer would ever allow this, then Aaron was going to make it meaningful. 

Spencer didn’t protest as he let Aaron do what it was he needed to do. Aaron let the cane fall and slid one hand in Spencer’s hair, and the other slipped familiarly around his waist. The kiss went from gentle exploration to passionate, with Aaron pouring every single emotion he had into the kiss. At one point someone moaned and Aaron thought it was Spencer, who was giving into it more and more. 

When Aaron felt spent, he finally pulled away and pressed his forehead to Spencer’s. They both were breathing hard, and Aaron felt the tears fall from Spencer’s eyes, as they both barely touched each other’s faces with just their fingertips.

“You bastard,” Spencer’s voice was soft and sad and Aaron couldn’t agree more.

“I had to, Spencer. I needed that to be able to finally let you go. Doesn’t mean it will be easy, and I know we are going to have to talk more, but I needed to know.”

“Now you know. But I can’t give you what you want. I can’t trust you to stay and work through this and like I already said, I can’t leave Stephen. I love him and he gives me all the things you couldn’t.”

“I know. I know that Spencer, and it kills me. But, I promise to respect you and your husband. As much as I want you to be mine, what you said is true. We aren’t good for each other and I need to move on.”

Spencer lifted his head away from Aaron and looked at him fully. 

“Can we be friends, Aaron?”

Aaron smiled softly as he wiped away Spencer’s tears. 

“I think we can, if we work at it. If we open up and talk. I don’t want to keep hiding from you and the only way I’m going to heal from losing you to someone else is to not hide. I can’t say that it won’t hurt, but that is my responsibility, not yours.”

Spencer dropped his hands and pulled away from Aaron. He bent and picked-up Aaron’s cane and handed it to him. Aaron took it and their hands brushed, but neither one said anything about it.

“It’s hard for me too, Aaron. But, you’re right. We need to each deal with this in our own way. I’m willing to work this out because believe it or not you are too important to me, Aaron Hotchner.” Spencer leaned in and kissed Aaron’s cheek, grabbed his bag then left not letting Aaron get anymore words in. Aaron was okay with that, he could feel that Spencer was at his emotional limit and so was he. Looking out the window, the sun had gone down hours before and the dark had descended. He felt some of the darkness down to his very soul, but he was slowly working to purge it and to claw his way out of that darkness. Reconnecting with first Tony, then Spencer, Aaron knew he had friends willing to help him on his journey of recovery. 

Dave had been respectful about the team, or what was left of it at this point. Aaron had made no mention of wanting to see JJ, Prentiss, or Garcia. It hurt to think about them and how he had left them behind. Dave somehow knew Aaron wasn’t ready to see them yet, he thought that maybe in a few weeks there could be some kind of gathering at the house and he would want to have all of them there, begin to rebuild relationships that had been at one time his very lifeline. He would even have Spencer invite Morgan and his family, make it a BAU reunion of sorts. 

Aaron made his way up the stairs and stopped in the small library to find a book to read. He wasn’t concerned about Jessica and Jack, he knew Jack was in good hands with Jessica. He lay in bed, opened the book and settled into a quiet peaceful rest of the evening, chasing the darkness and shadows away from him for one day at least.

* * *

“Come on, Aaron one more leg lift.” Aaron glared at Winston, his physical therapist over the last three months. The man, Aaron concluded, was a sadist. He was doing weighted leg lifts on one of the exercise machines in the therapy room. He wanted to curse Winston out, but he knew it would do no good. The man gave him no quarter. “Bastard.” Aaron ground out as he did the last leg lift, sweating profusely as he did it.

Winston laughed and Aaron just glared at him like he used to do serial killers.

“You know that stopped working on me two months ago. Now, come on, let’s do some of those floor exercises.” Aaron groaned, but he knew Winston only wanted to help Aaron recover. 

“Okay, lay back and lets do some of the knee bend and lift.” Aaron laid his arms at his side, hands down on the mat. He did the first bend and lift and could tell right away that the muscles were easing up. The therapy was slow going, but he knew he was making progress by how much better he was walking. He also graduated to a brace that just went around the knee, not one that went almost all the way down his leg. The screws and pins had been removed and it was the last surgery he would most likely need for a long time. 

Aaron was gaining greater mobility and range of motion, but even he knew that his days of marathon running were over. Winston wanted to hold off for a while longer for Aaron to attempt the treadmill. That would be the determining factor in whether it was advisable for Aaron to run or not. 

Sessions with Dr. Mira were going well, he started to open up about Spencer and his fears. Slowly he was working through his emotions, and at first, Dr. Mira had put him on an antidepressant. Aaron hated taking them, and when there were days that he refused to, those were the days that got bad. At his son’s request, Aaron started to take them as prescribed. They helped, but now Dr. Mira was weaning him off of them. 

He wasn’t a hundred percent, he knew he had a ways to go, but he didn’t feel the drag of that darkness as much as when he first came home from Hong Kong almost nine months prior. He felt almost ready to face the rest of his former team.

“That’s good, Aaron. Now we are going to do the straight leg lifts.” Winston stood and helped Aaron with those, making sure he held them for a few seconds before lowering the leg back down. Ten reps and they changed to the last exercise for the day. 

“You know, I think I’ll get you up on the treadmill in the next couple of weeks. You’ve come a long way and I want to see how well you can do on it. It will be slow, and gradually we’ll increase the difficulty. But, I want you to be realistic, Aaron.”

Aaron blew out a breath as he laid his leg down after the tenth rep.

“I know. I understand I won’t be able to run like I used to, but if I could do even a fraction that would be better than nothing.” Aaron rested a moment, then stood up and limped over to the bench where his brace and cane were. He knew he was going to have a soak in one of the hydrotherapy baths, then a massage from Winston.

“That’s a better attitude than when we first started working together.”

Aaron took a drink of water from his water bottle, then settled it back down on the floor.

“I’ve been talking things out with Dr. Mira. She’s helping me work through it.”

“I’m glad to hear that.”

“It also helps to have friends that I can talk to as well.” Aaron and Tony met up at least once or twice a week after Aaron’s therapy sessions for lunch barring any cases. It helped that one day when Aaron met up with Tony at NCIS and Gibbs tried to stop him from leaving that Aaron knew all of the policies for all of the agencies. He would often be consulted on the law regarding lunch and breaks. He basically brought the hammer down on Gibbs and also Vance for allowing Tony and the other members of Gibbs team to be abused the way they were. Vance had a bit of a freakout knowing Aaron’s reputation and the respect he got even as a retired agent. 

Tony had been so grateful that his workplace situation had improved that he bought Aaron’s lunch out for the last couple of months. 

“That’s good. Come on, let’s get you in a hydrobath.” Aaron stood then grabbed his things and followed Winston to the bath area. He would have a twenty minute spa bath, then a thirty minute massage to help keep the muscles relaxed and pliant. 

“All right Aaron, you’re all done for the day.” Winston was cleaning up after the massage Aaron received. “See you in two days.”

“Thank you, Winston.” The man just smiled and before grabbing the used towels and other things letting Aaron get dressed. Once he was done, he made his way to the same cafe that he and Tony had been meeting up at since they first ran into each other again. When Aaron entered the cafe, he saw Tony at their usual table, but this time there was someone with him. Aaron frowned a little, this was usually the time the two of them talked, Aaron opening up about his conversations with Dr. Mira and Tony helping him to put into perspective the things he had discussed in therapy. 

Aaron wanted to be upset, but he was learning to let things go and not let them get to him like they would in the past. Taking a deep breath, Aaron made his way to the table and plastered on a smile and cleared his throat to signal to Tony that he was there. The two men stood and Aaron waited for Tony to introduce them.

“Aaron. I’d like you to meet my pulmonologist, and friend, Commander Dr. Brad Pitt.” Aaron held out his hand and was rewarded with a firm handshake. Aaron could appreciate the ruggedly handsome man. He was curious as to Tony’s motivation.

“I’m sorry to intrude on your lunch time, but Tony has told me a lot about you and, well I wanted to meet you.”

“Oh?”

Brad smiled and Aaron admitted that he appreciated the softness it gave the man’s features. 

“Yes. We were talking about detective novels one day and he told me that you enjoyed them. He also said that you like golf, running, and camping. I’m a bit of an outdoorsmen myself and it’s not often that I get to meet someone outside of squids and jarheads. Of course don’t let them hear you call them that.” 

Aaron laughed. An actual genuine laugh and it felt good. 

“Well, I do enjoy most of those activities. And now that I’m retired from the FBI I’ve been considering doing some travelling. Maybe start a travel blog or something. I get tired of staring at the same walls all day. Of course that will have to wait till physical therapy is over.”

“Where do you want to travel to?”

Aaron saw Marc coming over with drinks, Aaron took his tea and sipped it a few times before answering.

“I’d like to go back to some of the places I went to as an agent. See how different or the same some of them are. Maybe compare the two experiences as I travel.”

“That sounds intriguing. I would follow something like that.”

“Really?” Aaron furrowed his brow, not in confusion, but in the fact that someone didn’t think his idea crazy.

“Yeah, it’s not that crazy.”

“I can take my son on the quick trips, and longer ones during winter and summer breaks. The rest of the year I’d have to carefully plan out where, how long and all of that. It’s an ambitious project, I know.”

“You already have a list of places?” Brad leaned forward, actually interested in what Aaron had to say. When he had first told Dave and Spencer, they thought it was a little nuts. Who wanted to go back to the places that had such terrible things happen? But Aaron tried to tell them that was the point. To see them in a different light.

Aaron and Brad talked like they had been old friends. When Aaron realised that the two of them had dominated the conversation and left Tony out, Aaron felt bad for it.

“It’s fine, Aaron. It was nice to see you open up to someone other than me.”

Aaron blushed a little and the smile he got from Brad had him blushing even more.

“I um. I’ve been told that if I stay on the smaller courses that I can do some golfing, within reason. I am going this weekend. I was just going to go by myself, but if you don’t have any plans.”

Brad smiled that smile again.

“That sounds like fun. Just tell me what time and where.”

After getting Brad’s phone number, Aaron sent him the details.

“I know this club. It’s nice. Why don’t we meet a little earlier and grab breakfast at the cafe?”

“That sounds good.”

“Well, I have to get back to the hospital. I have some rounds before my next appointment shows up. Tony, keep up those breathing treatments at home for the next two weeks then I want to see you again. You had a nasty experience, I want to keep you healthy.”

“I will.”

“Aaron, I’ll see you Saturday.” Brad left after leaving money on the table for his lunch. Then Aaron turned to Tony.

“You did that on purpose.”

“I can’t deny it. I just knew the two of you would hit it off.”

“Tony...”

“No. You need more friends Aaron.”

Aaron took a bite of his sandwich and contemplated one Commander Dr. Brad Pitt. There was more to the man than met the eye and Aaron knew exactly what Tony was doing. Was he ready for the possibilities that the handsome Dr could have in store for Aaron?

“You know very well that you just set me up.”

Tony took a long swig of his coffee before he put the cup down and smiled.

“Okay, you got me. Look, I know you, and I know Brad. I wasn’t off the mark that you two had a lot in common now was I?”

Aaron was moving a fry around on the plate before he popped it in his mouth and chewed giving him time to gather his thoughts. 

“I don’t know if I’m ready, Tone.”

“Aaron, I’m not saying you need to jump into some epic romance, but I think it’s time that you start getting out there again. Just, have fun with it, Aaron. Don’t make it anything more than two guys playing golf.”

Aaron sat up straight and gave Tony a quick nod. They finished up, then parted ways till Wednesday. Aaron found that by the time he was halfway home, he was actually anticipating Saturday. Tony was right, he just needed to not jump into anything. Having someone to talk to and play golf with outside of his very small circle of friends actually sounded nice.

* * *

A leisurely breakfast, a fun round of golf at the small city club, then lunch in DC Aaron found himself relaxing and enjoying the time with Brad. Tony had been right in that the two men had a lot in common. Aaron laughed to himself and shook his head as he took a sip of his iced tea when there was a lull in the conversation.

“What?” Brad asked with a grin on his face.

“Tony. He just seems to know people better than a profiler sometimes.”

Brad laughed after he set his beer down. The two of them had ended up at a pub. Aaron wanted to indulge a little for the first time in months. A decadent burger with a shared plate of loaded french fries and side of onion rings. It was terrible and delicious at the same time.

“He told me you used to be head of the FBI’s elite BAU team. Said you guys were the best.”

Aaron grabbed a napkin to wipe off his hands and to give him time to figure out what to say.

“I can’t really say what it was that drove me at the time. It’s not really a job you can say you enjoy, but I know we did important work together. However, seeing the things we saw, doing the things we did, it...it takes something from you a little at a time. I saw one of my best friends and mentors fall apart piece by piece till a woman that was close to him was killed.

“I saw a young woman who wanted so badly to be in the BAU she didn’t consider the emotional or mental cost and through actions that I, to this day, regret, she fell apart. Other members of my team walked a dark path, yet we came together time and time again to stop the real monsters under the bed. But, being out of it, talking about it with someone, I can see how it had changed me as well. Yet, if my leg wasn’t in the shape it’s been in, I would go back if they asked me to.”

“Sounds like you had found a calling.” Brad sipped his beer but didn’t take his eyes off Aaron. There was nothing but compassion and understanding, which Aaron wasn’t used to.

“I did. And now that it’s gone I have no idea what I want to do. I’ve lingered too long at Dave’s and now I’m feeling this itch to actually do something with my life, I just don’t know what.”

“Sometimes we have to stop and slow down to find a new direction. Don’t push yourself if you don’t have to. Give it time, Aaron and I’m sure you’ll find what it is you need.”

Aaron was quiet a few moments as he ate some of the fries. His emotions were a little jumbled up. The day had been perfect with Brad and Aaron felt something he had not let himself feel in far too long, attraction, and it scared the crap out of him.

“Hey, where did you go?” Brad leaned forward and pushed the plates of food away to get rid of any distractions between them.

“Brad...” Aaron swallowed hard and tried not to let his fear show but he knew he had failed when Brad started speaking.

“Aaron, this doesn’t have to be anything more than two people getting to know each other and enjoying each other’s company. Do I feel an attraction to you? I can’t deny that I do feel that, but I don’t want to put any pressure on either of us. I enjoyed today and I hope that we can find the time to do it again.”

Aaron felt relief flood through him and also heard the truth in Brad’s words. Friends, he could do that.

“Thank you. I enjoyed today as well. And, I would like to do it again.”

The conversation eased back to safer topics, books the two had read, movies they’d seen, and meddling friends trying to set them up. Aaron genuinely laughed at stories of Tony and Brad’s mini rivalry. The afternoon stretched on and by the time Aaron was driving home the darkness and depression he had been living with for far too long had been beaten back for one day at least. He would go home, spend time with Jack and try not to second guess himself or talk himself out of a friendship that would be good for him before it even started.

* * *

Golf dates turned slowly into lunch or dinner dates. Aaron knew that on some level he and Brad were kind of, sort of dating, but he put that thought out of his mind and just let himself get to know the man on a friendship level. They hadn’t even kissed or anything like that yet, but Aaron knew at some point physical intimacy would come into play. He wanted to be ready. Tony had been right, Brad had been good for him, but Aaron wasn’t doing what he would do in the past. He was taking time and figuring himself out in the context of this new relationship.

Aaron walked around the house that he had recently bought. The furniture was a combination of new pieces and items from his old house, and the house he had shared with Haley. Jack loved his new room, it had a small balcony that he could sit out there and read, or do his homework and enjoy being out. Jack and Aaron had spent a day looking for the right furniture to put out there. 

The house had a converted basement. The basement had actually run the whole bottom of the house and the previous owners had built an office, bedroom and a family area that was separated from the laundry area. Jessica loved the room and the office. Her freelance writing was taking off, and she hoped that she could quit her regular job to do it full time.

Aaron had made some short trips, no more than five or six hours from DC at a time. He started that travel blog he had talked to Brad about and surprisingly had a lot of followers already. Jessica helped him set up some more social media accounts where he could upload photos of the places he was visiting as well as restaurants that impressed him. He was careful, though, about his online presence. Experience had taught him to be cautious.

A couple of smaller travel magazines had contacted him to write for them and Aaron was considering it. It would keep him busy and it would help him figure out if this was what he wanted to do, at least for a while. Aaron didn’t have to worry about money, he had invested carefully the trusts that had come to him after his Mother passed away. 

Physical therapy had ended. He could do light running, but the doctor wanted to monitor him for the next couple of years to make sure that he wasn’t pushing himself too hard. He had a permanent limp and would need to use a cane to help with stability and balance. Aaron spent several weeks with Dr. Mira talking about his depression over the loss of something that he didn’t just enjoy, it had been a very big part of his life. When Dr. Mira explained that he had every right to feel the loss it had been a relief, a validation that he wasn’t being overly dramatic. Aaron was still seeing Dr. Mira, he still had things he needed to work out, but standing in his new living room, snacks and drinks laid out for the company that was coming over, Aaron felt content for the first time in almost three years.

Walking over to the writing desk that was set up near one corner of the living room, Aaron looked down at the divorce papers that had finally come through. The divorce was easily given to Aaron in light of the information that had come out about the abuse he had suffered. When he testified at Beth’s trial Aaron knew for the first time what many of the women he had helped out over the years. He understood the pain and the humiliation they went through. The grilling he got from the defense he tried not to let the attitude of the lawyer get to him. The man had tried to turn it around back on him, trying to make it sound like what Beth had done was all his fault. Aaron, thankfully knew this tactic well and didn’t fall for it. However, when the trial was over, Aaron found himself in the bathroom sick to his stomach. 

Aaron called Brad that day and it was the first time he told the man everything. The support he got helped him work through the emotions that had threatened to push him over the edge. Brad had become something more to him in the days that followed and Aaron accepted that he really was dating someone. 

Putting the divorce papers away, he took up the other piece of paper. It was Beth’s official sentencing. It was a fitting sentence, but Aaron knew the only reason he got the justice that so many other didn’t was because he was a man. It made him consider becoming an advocate for domestic violence, talking about his experience and maybe helping others. He wasn’t sure what that would eventually look like, but it was something he was considering.

The knock on his door pulled him from his thoughts. He set the papers down and walked towards his front door. Opening it up he saw Brad standing there and something in Aaron’s heart flipped a little. He wasn’t in love, but he knew that he could be. He wanted to be ready when it happened.

“Hi,” Aaron smiled as he let Brad into the house.

“Hi.” The smile on Brad’s face let Aaron know that he was feeling whatever it was that had started between them over their budding relationship. “The place looks great, Aaron.”

“Thank you. Jess had to run to the market for a couple of things. Jack wanted to go with her.”

Brad raised a brow and moved in close to Aaron.

“So, we’re alone for a few moments?”

“Um, yes?” Aaron watched carefully as Brad moved in a couple steps more.

“Good, because if I don’t do this, it’s going to drive me to distraction. I think, Aaron, that it’s time we at least begin acknowledging this thing that is growing between us.”

Aaron felt the anticipation as Brad leaned in and gently pressed his lips against Aaron’s. The kiss was dry and chaste, but it made Aaron think about things that he would be ready for in the near future.

“Brad...” Aaron was torn between touching and pulling him back for something a little more, and just accepting the kiss for what it was, an acknowledgment that Brad really did want more.

“Shh, Aaron. I know you’re still figuring yourself out, but I wanted to show you that I think we have something here and when you’re ready, I’m all in.”

Aaron took a deep breath as he pulled back a little. He smiled though and let Brad know that he understood. He was saved from talking by the ringing of the doorbell. Aaron walked towards the door and patted himself on the back that he didn’t run. Taking a fortifying breath, Aaron opened the door and saw Spencer and his husband standing there. 

“Spencer,” Aaron stepped aside and let the two men in, then he was being enveloped in a hug. A lot of hard work had gotten the two men to where they could show affection with each other and it not hurt anymore. He hadn’t lied to Spencer, there would always be a part of him that loved him, no matter the direction their lives took. He had, however, found the strength and courage to move beyond those emotions to find the deep friendship they had once shared.

Aaron had met Stephen a few times when Spencer had invited Aaron to dinner. The two of them were working on a tentative friendship, and Aaron admired Stephen’s lack of jealousy when it came to him and Spencer. There had been a very frank discussion between the three of them where Spencer basically told his husband he needed to get used to it. He wasn’t giving up Aaron’s friendship for anyone.

Breaking apart, Aaron greeted Stephen.

“I’m glad you guys could make it. When everyone gets here, I’ll give a full tour. You especially, Spencer, are going to like the basement. There is the perfect place for you and Jack to make as much of a mess as you want.”

“I’m not sure that is a good idea to give Spencer that much carte blanche.” Stephen joked and Spencer blushed, making both Aaron and Brad laugh.

“Brad, it’s good to see you again.” Spencer actually held his hand out to shake, something that he rarely ever did. Aaron thought that it might have something to do with Brad being a doctor.

“Spencer. I brought the first edition of Bertrand Russell’s book  _ A History of Western Philosophy _ that I promised you could read.”

“Oh, that sounds fantastic.” Spencer perked up as Brad showed Spencer over to where he had put down his bag. The two put their heads together talking philosophy. Aaron smiled as he watched them, loving the fact that Spencer and Brad were getting along so well.

“That’s a good look on you,” Stephen said as he stood next to Aaron.

“What is?” Aaron turned to look at the man next to him, the smile still on his face.

“That smile. You look happy. I may not have known you very long, but even I can see the changes over the last few months.”

“I’m getting there, at least I think I am.”

Stephen just patted Aaron on the shoulder then walked over to his husband leaving Aaron to ponder how it was that people perceived him. Fortunately he didn’t get too lost in his head when the doorbell rang once more. Carefully walking over he opened and saw JJ and Will with Henry and baby Michael. 

“Jayje,” Aaron pulled her into a hug where the woman latched on to him and held him close.

“Hotch. I’ve missed you so much.”

“I can’t tell you how much I’ve missed you too JJ. Thank you for coming.”

“There was nothing that was going to stop me from coming over. Besides, it gives me time to corner Spencer and mend some fences.”

“I hope you can. The two of you are too close to let things fester. I’m a walking example of not acknowledging your feelings.”

“Hotch...”

“No. I know you guys all know what happened by now. I let fear drive a lot of my actions. I’m not saying that I deserved being a victim, but my actions certainly led me to be in a situation I should have seen coming.”

“We would have helped you.”

“I know. But, I had to work this all out on my own. Now, there is a playset in the backyard that I think Henry would love to explore. When Jack gets back with Jessica I know he’ll be anxious to show Henry the the soccer pitch that we put up.”

“Alright. But, you are going to come to dinner, and soon.”

“I will, Jayje.”

JJ hugged him again and walked towards the back where Aaron directed for that Henry could go play with Jack.

“She really missed you, Hotch.” Will’s slow New Orleans drawl always made Aaron think of fresh fish, Jazz, and an endless line of bars. 

“I missed all of you. It’s good to see you again, Will.”

“I take it you’re here to stay?”

“Yeah, I am.”

“Good. ‘Cause we gotta have a good crawfish boil in the summer and you are definitely comin’.”

Aaron laughed and the two men did a quick one armed hug so as not to wake the baby. Will went to go find his wife and Spencer looked up to see Will coming towards him. Aaron watched a moment before the bell rang again.

“Derek.” Aaron was pulled into a very enthusiastic hug as the two men took a moment to reconnect. 

“Hotch, I would like you to meet my girl, Savannah. Savannah, this is Aaron Hotchner, my former boss.”

“It’s nice to finally meet you. Derek has told me a lot about you. He also wants you to come by whenever you are in Chicago.”

“Savannah...”

“What? It’s true.”

Aaron tried to hide the chuckle as he watched husband and wife banter. It was familiar and made him ache just a little for what he once had with Haley. 

“And this little guy is Hank Spencer Morgan.”

“How am I not surprised at the name.”

“He’s the little brother I always wished I had.”

“Well, I think you are going to have to wrestle with JJ to get him away from her.”

“Oh, I can take her.” Derek laughed as he moved further inside with Savannah at his side. 

Dave walked in, having used the key Aaron had given him in case of any emergencies, and Jessica and Jack were right behind him. Aaron laughed as he watched his son grab Dave’s hand and pull him out towards the backyard.

“Come on Uncle Dave let me show you what Dad and I did.” 

“I guess I’ll be back in a few minutes.” Dave laughed as he was led outside by the excited nine year old.

The last to arrive all showed up close together. Tony he gave a quick hug to and told him to make himself comfortable. Tony walked over to where Brad and Spencer were still talking with Stephen just looking on fondly at his husband. Aaron knew that Tony would engage Stephen in some sports talk, the two men had bonded over basketball when Aaron had introduced them at a recent dinner.

Aaron turned back to the last two guests and felt his heart swell at the huge smile on the face of Penelope Garcia, who brought her boyfriend Sam with her.

“Garcia,” Aaron walked to her and pulled the very colorfully dressed woman into his arms. “I have greatly missed your humor, and your smile.”

“I’ve missed you too Hotch. And, you and little Hotch need to come by and I’ll cook you a fantabulous dinner.”

“I think we will take you up on that.” Aaron pulled back and saw that Garcia’s eyes had filled with tears. “No crying now. I’m sorry, Garcia. I never meant to hurt any of you.”

“No need to apologize, Sir.”

“Not Sir anymore, Garcia.”

“Then you need to call me Penny.”

Aaron chuckled and felt lighter at having seen the woman that had grown so much since he had basically blackmailed her into working for him in the BAU.

“I think Jack and Henry are in the backyard. I know Jack has been anxious to see you, Penny.”

“Oh! I have something for him too.” Penny turned around and rummaged in her oversized bag and pulled out a gift. Aaron was curious, but it was something for Jack and he trusted Penny not to get his son anything that would be worrisome. She flew out of the room in a swirl of color and Aaron and Sam laughed at her enthusiasm. Sam just nodded at Aaron then followed his girlfriend.

“Prentiss.” Aaron and Emily had always had an odd relationship. There was a part of him that knew if he hadn’t fallen for the BAU’s resident genius, he could have seen himself caring for Emily as more than a friend.

“Hotch. It really is good to see you. Spencer told me everything recently and I know why you held back from all of us, but you know you never needed to.”

Aaron took a deep breath and looked towards a smiling Spencer. He knew how close Emily and Spencer were, he was glad that Spencer had kept in close contact with Emily, someone that had helped him when Aaron couldn’t.

“I had to figure this out on my own, Em. I never meant to push all of you aside, but it just got really complicated and confusing. I needed to piece my life back together. As much as I thought about having you guys all around me, I knew I would fall back to old patterns.”

“Hotch.” Emily took the couple of steps towards Aaron and pulled him in for a hug. Aaron allowed it, holding Emily finally slid that last piece of his heart into place. People that he cared about and loved were together once more. “We will always be there, whatever you need.”

“I know. And, I’m not going anywhere. I have a lot to look forward to, Em.” Aaron looked up and saw that Brad was looking at him and smiling. Aaron blushed a little and Emily smirked at him.

“Oh, I need to meet the person that put that look on your face.”

Aaron chuckled and bent his head down a little.

“Come on, I’ll introduce you.”

The day was one Aaron would never forget. His BAU family was once more together. He wondered for a moment what he had been thinking at the time to have left them. The food was fantastic, the conversation even better. Stories were traded between everyone about their time as a team. Brad laughed and Aaron could tell that he was enjoying himself. 

Spencer and Aaron kept looking at each other, the stories told brought up memories for the both of them, but they left emotions and other things unsaid. The kids played together, everyone oohed and aahed over Michael and Hank. Old friends that had been disconnected from one another found new ways to connect. Promises made for dinner out, or spending time out on a weekend. Aaron told Morgan that he actually had Chicago planned for his blog and some of the people there had already been following him. They made tentative plans to meet, Derek wanting Aaron to meet his mother which Aaron said he was looking forward to.

When it became late everyone started to file out except for Spencer and Stephen. Drinks passed around after Jack was put to bed after a day of excitement for the boy.

Easy conversation continued between the four men till Spencer started to yawn.

“Alright, I think it’s time we head home. We still on for brunch on Sunday?”

“I don’t have any other plans. We’ll meet you at the restaurant. But I think you need to get him to bed.” Aaron playfully rubbed Spencer’s hair. The sleepy smile on his face was an all too familiar sight to Aaron. 

“I’ll just go wait in the car.” Spencer stood and gave Aaron a quick hug then made his way outside. Stephen was gathering up the few things they had brought.

“I’m going to go clean some of the stuff up form the backyard.” Brad leaned in and kissed the side of Aaron’s mouth then went out to help with the cleanup leaving Aaron alone with Stephen.

There was a full minute before Stephen said anything as Aaron puttered in the living room.

“He’s never going to be a hundred percent mine, you know.”

Aaron straightened up as he threw a cup in the trash bag he was holding.

“I’m sorry?” Aaron was confused by what Stephen was telling him.

“Spencer. As much as he loves me, and I know he does, he’s never going to be fully mine because for as much as he protests, you still have a good part of his heart. Don’t worry, I know neither of you would do anything to hurt me, and I’m sure you don’t want to hurt whatever possibilities you have with Brad.”

Aaron swallowed hard and tried to understand why Stephen was telling him this. He asked that very question.

“Why are you telling me this?”

“Because you should know. I also know how vital your friendship to Spencer is. I knew from the beginning that if you ever came back into his life that he would make sure that you two would have some type of relationship. I don’t think he could live without you and...” Stephen stopped mid-sentence as he lowered himself onto the arm of the couch.

“What are you trying to say, Stephen?”

“That he wouldn’t survive you leaving again. I know this and I accept it. It was hard to at first, but he does love me, it’s just...I think you and him are, in a way, soulmates. I don’t think you could have continued to live without Spencer. I wanted to hate you, but when I met you and saw how much pain you were in, I knew that I couldn’t. Sometimes it hurts that I don’t have one-hundred percent of my husband’s heart, but I think I love him enough for the both of us. I know he’ll never stray and he loves me in his way. 

“Just, if you hurt him again, in any way, I won’t hesitate to hunt you down and hurt you. He means everything to me.”

Aaron took a deep breath and let his gaze turn towards the window and where Spencer’s car was.

“I won’t ever hurt him like I did again. He means too much to me to do that to him twice in this lifetime. We fought hard to get back to being best friends again. I won’t deny that I love him, but like he once said to me, I don’t think we are good for each other. And I would never come between you two. He does love you, Stephen.”

Stephen smiled sadly as he stood up with his and Spencer’s things in the bag they had brought.

“I know. Goodnight Hotch.”

“Goodnight.” Aaron watched Stephen walk out the door and he pondered on the man’s words. 

“You know, I can understand him.”

Aaron startled as he looked over at Brad.

“I didn’t hear you come back in.”

“I know. And I’m not going to apologize for listening. But I think I am heading in the same place Stephen is.”

“Brad...”

“No, it’s alright, Aaron. I know that whatever we find together, you will always have part of yourself held back for Spencer. I watched the two of you today and it was like watching a delicate ballet. You walked around each other like you had known each other far longer than you have. You finish each other’s thoughts at times, and you two just seem to  _ get _ one another. I think Stephen is right about one thing.”

Aaron felt his head swimming with all of these things being said to him. He wasn’t ready to know all of this or acknowledge it, but he knew he had to listen.

“What is that?” Aaron’s voice was almost a whisper as Brad came towards him.

“That you and Spencer are somehow soulmates. I have a feeling, if you ever lost him again it would break you in ways that even I, as much as I care about you, could never fix. It’s like you really are vital to each other, but shouldn’t really be together. I think, though, that if we are giving us a chance, I could love you enough for the both of us.”

Aaron didn’t really know what to say. He couldn’t deny Stephen’s words because they resonated deep within. He really would break into a thousand tiny pieces if he ever lost Spencer again. Dropping the bag he was holding he looked towards Brad and knew that if he didn’t take the chance that Brad was offering that he would find himself lingering, waiting, and maybe hoping for something that would never, could never happen. 

Taking those last few steps towards Brad, Aaron took his hand and pulled him close and this time when he kissed Brad, he didn’t hold back. He poured all of the emotions he did have for the man in that one kiss. Pulling back Aaron stared into green eyes that looked back at him with so much affection, it almost hurt.

Aaron held Brad’s hand, threading their fingers together he made a decision right there and then that would once again change his life.

“Stay, please.”

“I thought you weren’t ready.”

“I just...I want you close, please.”

“Aaron...”

“Brad, stay.”

Brad took a moment as the two men stood so close they were almost sharing breath.

“All right. I’ll stay.”

Leaning in for another kiss Aaron pushed thoughts of Spencer out of his head and let himself feel something for someone else. It might not be perfect, Aaron had perfection once and destroyed that with fear. Now, he wanted something quieter, gentler, he wanted all that Brad was willing to give, even knowing that Aaron may never be able to give one-hundred percent of his heart.

THE END

  
  
  
  
  



End file.
